I feel like I'm in a transitional phase in my life right now. Things that would normally phase me don't seem to have the same effect anymore. I'm growing out of my old shell and venturing out into a whole new world. I was talking to my cousin Cindy right now and she has a way of making me feel some solidarity with her.  I'm about to finish my first course of an actual graduate studies class: Social Institutions and Social Change. What's cool about it is I can actually apply it to the job, not only as an intern but later on in this career if I so choose to become a field researcher for union organizers, which would get me even more elated if I were to get a stable position as a researcher.
Tomorrow I'm taking in Yesica and her brother for a data entry job that my work is offering until June. I wonder how this will go...

Anyway, I am actually happy right now. :-) Maybe because the major causes of my stress of this quarter at school have passed. One more thing to do, 15 pages of papers to write.

 I had the coolest dream just now, like the beginning of an adventure.

It takes place in this town, where a family lives and the main character is this person that I was able to experience.
I lived in this two story house, my room was on the first floor, my parents on top, I think I had two sisters and a cousin living with us (or it could just be 3 sisters like my life now), it seemed like somewhere in Japan, and our house was in one of the upper middle class neighborhoods atop a hill.
The time was pretty different. I remember that they had changed the date of Christmas from December 25 to May 25 to make up for the progression of the equinox...
I awoke to the noise of my family, my sisters were preparing for the Christmas parade that I was supposed to be in too. My friends and neighbors were readying themselves out in the street about ready walk to city hall where the event was supposed to take place. The oldest sister liked doing things for me that were partly practical jokes and partly helpful kept calling me out.

My sisters had gone out already, everyone was waiting for me, I head out and I hear the drums start, then rest of the band starts off and we go.
The sky was a bit cloudy, but we have a blast performing for the rest of the town. When we were about down we headed back to our neighborhood, as the large group that we were. All seemed well, except I sensed that we were being followed by two men. One of my friends (who looked like Mohinder from Heroes) and I were being stalked.
We ran to the back of my house and somehow wound up in the pool. I began to use my abilities and flew up in the air a little bit. Mohinder turned into something like an armadillo with super strength and fought them off.
They eventually left, I'm guessing they were just assessing how dangerous we were before they got the rest of the feds involved.
That night I talked to my dad, who seemed very helpful in the situation agreed with me when I said I needed to leave. The rest of the family knew that I had to leave to, my mother prepared a little something for me to eat before I went.
My father wanted to give me something to carry along with me on my quest, so he took out his pastel blue night robe and I had the option of taking the little ribbon that went around the neck part of the thing or the long belt like ribbon that tied around the waste. He said to just take the little thing, it's more convenient.
As soon as dusk hit, I start down the window to get my momentum going. I run and jump up and take off. I was still struggling with my new ability to fly so I crash into this giant sign that my sister had pulled up somehow onto the middle of the street saying, "Good Luck Peter (or whatever my name was)" in Japanese. I quickly braced myself and was able to fly off into the night sky ready to begin my new life.

I woke up feeling energized and happy. Which probably hasn't happened in years. It might be because I didn't eat meat yesterday, except for breakfast.

As the title of this entry states, I dreamed that my car was stolen. I was so tired after getting home that I forgot to close the gates. It looked like I had left the keys in my car. Not only that, the weird thing was they left 3 older looking cars in place of my car. I was so stressed, I didn't want to tell my parents. I tried calling 911 to report it but I got bad reception on the phone. I called 3 separate times, reaching a different person each time with no clarity in communication whatsoever. The last time I tried calling I was driving in my car (strangely enough) about my stolen car. I was still so encapsulated by the emotion that by retrospect, I did not realized it had come back, but as I was driving it this huge truck was slowly backing out of it's parking spot and slowly but surely made huge gashes from top to bottom on the right side of my car. Same thing as the accident in real life but reversed in the dreamworld.

Then my alarm went off and I woke up.

It's been a while since I've typed on here. I always have things going on in my head that I think I should write down but I just don't. I can blame it on laziness, but that would be blaming it on a trait instead of doing any actual action. 

Today I dropped my class for my first W ever, and will probably be the only W that I've ever received. I felt the need to free up my Mondays so I can focus on what really matters, my graduate studies and my work.

I've recently begun chatting with an individual named Fernando Arellano. We haven't talked in days, but it's ok. I'm not totally attached to him at all I guess. I think I'll text or call him when I have some free time.

I'm starting to enjoy work, but at the same time I feel really left out because I'm still an intern there, part of the team in all senses except for the meetings. I have no actual position or rank, so I'm a little confused there sometimes. I'm the guy that does everything else. I hope I can be a liason for the LGBT community however, especially with the common interest in fighting injustice with the pro prop 8 Select Staffing. I talked to Mamiwatu about that, she said she'll contact me when she gets the chance.

Recently, my mind has been a wreck. It feels like a thousand thoughts going on. My deja vu's are of worlds that I don't exist in, more like alternates. It's just really loud sometimes and I can't seem to control it. It feels like I"m going crazy sometimes. Sleep helps a little, but not by too much.

I haven't written down dreams in ages too. I've had a few but I forgot what they were. They seemed somewhat relevant, I should try and remember more so that I can interact with my subconscious a little better.

So I had a freaky dream this morning. My great grandfather had just died and the place where they put his grave was a little unorthodox. They decided to wall him up where my shower is, the west side wall. I don't know why but while I was showering I decided to break it down. When I first broke the bottom part of it, wine started gushing out. There was this plastic thing that looked like it was there to seal the booze. The whole compartment containing the bones was filled with the wine to preserve him it seemed, it looked like a part those catacombs in Europe. There were a few champagne bottles up against the wall I guess as offerings to him, in front of his face was situated water proofed photos of happier times back home in the old days, I'm assuming back in Vietnam. By that time I'm generally feeling pretty freaked out, so I slowly walked out.

Some stuff happens, I talk to my family, etc. But by that point I didn't want to feel scared anymore so it started to turn into day. We took down the tarp that covers the cars, and as we did that, I see this pink panther in the form of a cloud start to move around in the sky. I kept trying to take a picture of it, but it proved difficult. I would get shots of the tail, too close up, and it just wouldn't take so I gave up and just enjoyed her presence. Then she started flying down, and I don't know if she transformed into that squirrel from ice age, or if she was chasing it. By this time all of the sky turned into a beautiful pink haze, very bright and colorful. The darkness had disappeared becoming a distant memory, the illusions of fright were gone as I watch this little squirrel hammer a nail into the electric wires up above the street lamps with it's acorn.

I just had the weirdest dream. I had just drove home, closed most of the gates and I went back out to get something, but as I was about to enter the main house I see a group of people spraying graffiti on the wall in front of my house. I call the cops trying to tell them that these people are probably going to be there for a while but they start to drive off. I start to tell the officer the numbers, knowing that they record the conversation on the phone. I tell them about 3 or 4 different numbers from all around the car.

For some reason a the information went into my Rio Hondo notebook, when I took the philosophy class there. The notebook not only had some information about that, but about other cases. Suddenly my house shifted into this marketplace that for some reason offered me paperwork to allow me to go to Mexico. I gave the lady my ID and signed several papers.  I asked if I had to bring my passport, but she shook her head and said no. As I was about to sit down there was a flood, it came pretty quickly and it shifted back to being my house again. I had a partner who solved crimes with me. One of the students I used to tutor, Ellen, shows up in this flood. The paperwork in that same Rio Hondo notebook that now contained cases of detective work that my partner and I had accumulated fell into the water.

When the waters subsided, people who were there to help came out. For some reason Madonna was there helping out. I see her find my RIo Hondo notebook and I tell her, "Please don't rip it off the binding wire" because I see her about to rip it off the binding wires, but she goes and does it. I scream a blood curtling, "NOOOOOO!!!!" and start cussing her off, calling Madonna an idiot, and this and that.. I kept going at it for a while cussing here and there out loud so the whole house could hear. When she was in the shower I made it a point to yell my cursings out loud so she can hear.

Then I woke up...

Recently my friend Mami Watu told me that in a previous life, I was a priest to a Voudon god named Ogun. She says that his color is green and his animal is the dog. So I look up Ogun not expecting to find anything of interest, but what suddenly caught my attention was that Ogun is the God of War. My friend Ifa later confirmed this when I text her asking for the basic info on Ogun.

It caught my attention in particular because the patron god that had chosen me when I was an infant is the Confucian God of War and protector of Buddhist Doctrine, Kuan Ti. In comparison however, the minor details are switched around. Kuan Ti's color is red and he thinks dogs are unclean. The details match up either way, are contrasting, and both are the God of War.

I had never told Mami Watu any of theses details but she hit the similarities straight on...

And then there are these really interesting quotes from wikipedia Ogun:
"In the religious tradition of the Afro-Brazilian Candomblé, Ogun (as this Yoruba divinity is known in the Portuguese language) is often identified with Saint George, for example in the state of Rio Grande do Sul. However, Ogun may also be represented by Saint Sebastian, as it is often done in the northeast of the country, for example in the state of Bahia. Officially Saint Sebastian is the patron saint of the city of Rio de Janeiro, state of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. According to anthropologist Luiz Mott, Saint Sebastian is also considered by many homosexuals, especially those belonging to the lower and marginalized classes, as the patron saint of gay people."

...and...

"In all his incarnations Ogoun is a fiery and martial spirit. He can be very aggressively masculine—much like the spirit Shango—but can also rule the head of female, or effeminate male initiates to whom he takes a liking. He is also linked with blood, and is for this reason often called upon to heal diseases of the blood."

How interesting how homosexuality has been linked with diseases of the blood (AIDS) and this deity and not by means of historical reference either...

I think I shall tell my coworker of these details pertaining to Rio De Janeiro.. since he's from there... :-p

Again, I am lagging in my postings. Yesterday I had a dream that probably progressed throughout the whole time I was asleep, but where I began to remember it was with the scenery that looked like it was pre WWII. The whole environment was kind of gray and it looked like the world was in turmoil. My sister Shirley was consulting a genealogist who I did not trust from the get go when she said that Shirley was adopted and was not born of our mother. Shirley believed her the first day she heard that, but after another day or so after each consultation, Shirley began to believe her less and less. The last day we found the woman and she kind of broke down a bit. Seemed like a situation where she had just lost her home, or might have been something else.

I somehow wound up at my old school, but a little different. People from high school were their, details of what happened here are a little vague, but there was some interaction going on with my fellow classmates from around my year, as well as my sisters for some reason. There seemed to be some sort of mass panic thing going on around us. People looked calm but their was an air of anxiousness around us.

The next scene was me along with several other people, my sisters, my cousins and fellow classmates on the back of a truck. The environment seemed a little dusty or grimey, one of the two. A fellow classmate named Veronica started to get riled up and wanted to turn people against my friend Chrissy. It was utter bullshit considering the situation and to pull my family as well as myself into turning against one individual.

I began to stand up to her, exact words forgotten, but may run along the lines of her yapping away making everyone feel awkward and then me saying,
"Will you just shut up?"
"What did you say?" she says,
"You heard me you dumbass"
(She goes into utter shock at my words, then starts to yap on about something)
I continue, "Fuckin' shut up..!"
"Oh my, you've never said shut up before.."
"That's because you're never around me you idiot!"
She starts to get pissed off and says more things...
Again, I respond, "Shut the fuck up you stupid dumb bitch"
As I was saying that, I was getting up as well as she was getting ready to fight.. but I said it so loudly in my mind I began to say the "..dumb bitch.." part aloud in my physical body, and thusly woke myself up. I was so angered at her that my heart rate went up as well... and woke up.

I wonder if it IS pent up anger I've been holding towards her since that incident where I went up to say hi to her and to give her a hug only to receive a look of disgust, ignoring me, and turning around trying to get the attention of one of the foreign exchange students in front of a huge crowd of people... I wonder if she were to jump into a pool of water, 50 ft off the ground, that is as shallow as her, if she'd survive...

Only later, when I was over at Jessica Sar's house with Danyel one Halloween Eve, to have her say something to try and comfort me because I said something out of context that I didn't mean to say in that way. How sweet and duplicitous of her...

However, sometimes I wish I can just let go...

I had 2 dreams this morning, or rather one dream with a transition. The first one I was finding the water nymphs (water spirit) in this mountainous area who's homes were where springs would begin (or there homes are where springs begin). The origin where life and magic would spring would be from the core of their homes, the center of a lotus plant. I happened to meet one of them in a cave, but what was happening was the home was in peril because the energies were off kilter. What we ended up doing, the nymph and I, was go out to find another nymph for help and we did. This other nymph's home was beautiful and emanating light and magic, it's lotus was in full bloom and the waters gushing out.

Then in the second dream, I was walking down a dark road with a few of my friends. We were trying to get back to the city where there was more light. What ended up happening was there were these dark creatures that looked like mutated creatures that were shaped like a mix between a dog and a flea; not necessarily looked like. They got some of us, I don't remember if there was actually any killing.. per se, but I reached in my pocket and pulled out my ultraviolet flashlight to light the way. I turned it on, and what used to be totally pitch dark road illuminated with the ultraviolet light (not the normal light, everything looked purple and neon), and everything showed up with the most minute detail as well as deterred the beasts. I ran to the edge of the city, and found myself in this alley. There was a broken woven fence like someone or something had eaten through it or cut through it to go through. I jumped up onto the gate sensing one of the beasts charging after me and saw only an outline passing through the break in the fencing, like it can bend light to camouflage. I began to attack them, actually biting each on the ankle (go figure). The interesting part was when they began to transform into a more humanoid figure and they bowed to me and, even more weird, told me that they were my slaves.

Then I woke up thinking, "So I have 2 demon slaves now... Interesting.."

I got my advising today at CSULA with Dr. Bodinger. I was quite happy with what happened, regardless of the fact that I'll didn't have 2 of my pre-requisites done; contemporary sociological theory and a refresher course of statistics which I don't mind at all.

She first asked me if I was coming from Cal State LA or from elsewhere, I told her I was from UCR. While she was inputting my data I told her my situation about how bored I'd been the past year and how I've missed school. What was really cool was when she was talking about her research on the topic of Love. She was saying that she's going to Iceland next year to do some surveys because what's interesting over there is there was unusual support for the same-sex community there along with their higher level of gender equity. According to statistics, America rates 10 internationally whereas Iceland rates 2 when it comes to gender equity. Then I asked if she's ever heard of the Kathoey of Thailand, since she wanted cross cultural data. She said no, and she handed me a piece of paper to write about it. That was so awesome. I felt like I knew my stuff, but that's also the thing... I feel like I only know the tip of the iceberg on the topic.

So... my  elective for my degree is Gender and Labor, Sociology of Knowledge, Organizations and Institutions, Teaching Internship, and Human Sexuality. The other's are advanced statistics and theory, which I won't mind either. I'm going to love it!

I told her I haven't smiled this much in a long while. So I'm very very happy I'm going back to school!

I really want to write a thesis. She asked me what I wanted to write for my thesis, I said something dealing with Gender. She told me there are a few professors there that work in that area that I can probably work with.

I felt I should write a separate entry for what I witnessed yesterday driving Shirley home from UCLA. There was a car accident that backed up the 10 freeway several miles back. I thought it would have cleared up by the time we got there, but it didn't. When we did arrive there, the first vehicle I saw wasn't the normal accident vehicle, it was the coroner's. Then I saw a body on the floor in a body bag. I don't think I've ever seen anyone die in a car accident before. I'm used to seeing dead body's but not body's that have violently been killed.

When I saw the body, I felt the collective emotions of all the people who were to get the message of the death, what's to come, etc. It struck right in my heart. Shock, disbelief, loss, all rolled into one. It stuck with me for a while. I'm glad I'm resensitized to emotion though.

I prayed to God tonight. I haven't done that in a long while. My light doesn't look like it's been resonating at it's highest at the moment.

What to say? I feel like I'm off track, living a shallow existence. Sure I'm doing random shit to help people, but nothing has been coming my way to make me feel of some use except for the school thing. Maybe I need to look for something else.

I really wish I were in my own house right now, with a stable job, a nice car (or live in a city where public transit isn't a hassle), a garden designed to my own specifications, a pool (Most definitely a pool since I've grown up with one), fashionable solar panels, large monitors made from thing glass that are touch sensitive, and two floors under the house so I can make my underground garden, huge living room space to lounge around, a kitchen with lots of space along with an island with great storage capacity, a huge bathroom with great lighting, a huge bedroom where I can keep my most prized things, a study where I can do any take home work and to keep my research material in, and of course... someone to share it with, and of course within a location that is prime property, ecologically sound and safe in a place where it isn't polluted by anything at all. That is a huge aspiration of mine right now, to own something like this, a home to call my own.

Tomorrow I work (intern). Hope all goes my way...

I went to the Ice House tonight with Diane, Frank, Kevin, Nancy, Sally, Dave, Steve and Linda. Diane won 10 tickets so that was pretty cool.

Their was that first guy from Canada, I forget his name. He seemed like he could've slowed down a little bit more. He might have been nervouse. The second person up was Adam Richmond from Last Comic Standing. He was funny but didn't resonate with me. Now the two that really stood out were Tina Kim and Loni Love, an asian and a black woman. Both played on stereotypes and are based on social conditions and situations. I think I'm starting to refine what type of humor I like. I want to see Tina Kim's next show on August 16th. We'll see, depending on how much it costs..

I forgot to mention that after jury duty, I headed over to CSULA to talk to the people in the Sociology department about the masters program and what it's about. The receptionist told me that if I wasn't admitted to the program then I couldn't see her, but I could e-mail her if I wanted to. I later on called admissions to see what was going on with the hold. I thought that I had turned in all my transcripts, but it's showing that I still haven't turned in my Rio Hondo transcripts. At the same time I've been admitted to the school, now is the question of whether I get admitted to the masters program. They are all very confusing, I mean I do understand that it's mainly admissions fault at this point, but they both told me to talk to the other party about what's going on.

A girl named Rosie told me to call back tomorrow to make an appointment so I can go over what's to happen with the Sociology Masters program there.

I just did my first and last day of jury duty for the year just now. I arrived there a little early but they didn't let us in until a few minutes after the set time at 0730. We had orientation and was let on break from about 10 to 1330; a really long break. When we came back I was chosen to be juror number 13, then as people got eliminated I became 9 before I was excused.

It's done for the year before I have the possibility of being summoned again for jury duty.

I was kind of dissapointed that I wasn't chosen, but I was having my fear of public speaking overwhelm me; due to the lack of sleep of course. But I don't have to do go in now... Back to my normal life, whatever that is.

So, I just felt the need to write something. There are some issues preoccupying my mind, I just don't know how to proceed. The way I am, who I am is bugging me. It's not bugging me too much but if it's being brought up as something that's keeping myself awake, then I need my personal attention on it.

I feel like I don't limit myself enough in terms of social interactions. I don't know what to say or what not to say. The original intent was to not keep secrets so I don't have an excess of psychic (mental) debris floating about in my head getting in the way of my intended thoughts. Now as I grow comfortable with the lack of debris, debris from this feeling of comfort is adding up. The very act of not holding back is stirring up people's lives and I'm starting to have emotional baggage that I don't need because of my mouth.

An issue I discussed with my friend Matt about my current state of moratorium. I lack the initiative needed to make my life move, Matt was just saying what I've been thinking for a very long time now.  People I've known for the longest time haven't said anything and I just suddenly started talking to him again this past week after 3 or 4 years and he pointed it out; probably just outsider's perspective. Either way, it was like someone had discovered me in a cocoon spun by a demon, came along, tore open the cacoon and let me out to the real world. I need to move out because this environment at home is making me feel like I can't do anything. It's the environment, it may or may not be perpetuated by my mother but it seems like she's in that very mindset as well.

I learned a new acupressure technique that may work for emotional release called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). I've been implementing it and it seems to work. I'm going to have to see it's effects in the long run.

I received a letter from CSULA this past Saturday. It said that I can register for classes, just not the classes that are in the program I want to get into. A part of me doesn't want me to go to a Cal State University, but another part doesn't care and just wants to go back to school. If it were up to me I would love to go to a UC again, but it would be best if I don't because it's too expensive. Maybe later I can go get my doctorate's at a UC.

I start my internship tomorrow. Hope all goes well.

I had a pretty good day yesterday with Matt. I haven't seen him in years, but it was also a welcome change of pace. He's currently living with his parents and little brother, but he's kind of taken over his little brother's room.

He's lost a lot of weight, 150 now apparently, about 10 pounds less than me which is something different. Huge thing for him of course though. I'm happy for him. We weren't sure of what to do, he suggested the Rose Bowl and I was kind of fervent about heading there since I've never been there before. I really didn't want to drive so he decided to take his car even though it was pretty messed up. I asked if he was sure and he said yes. I really wish he didn't put me up on this pedestal where I can do no wrong, which he did mumble at some point.

We ended up jogging in little sprints around a part of the Rose Bowl, which was nice. After that I learned how to drive a stick with his car. The movements are a little complex because it needs a bit of coordination with hands and feet.

He has changed a lot from what he was. I think I'm starting to get attracted to him, but I don't want to mess with that considering I may end up hurting him again. He's more expressive, more calm about things, doesn't evade what he really feels... I find that extremely attractive meshed with his current physical state it  just makes him all the more attractive. He hasn't fooled around with anyone in over a year too, so he says.

Again, I really don't want to hurt since I've been doing that a lot recently. My mother and now this... I've turned into superbitch, or at least been too critical of people telling people how things should be and to cut the bullshit out of their lives.

Maybe my vantage point is all wrong. I need to work things out with myself.

Esther from the internship program finally called me back this morning. I was actually quite relieved to finally hear from her. She said that's she sorry that she isn't able to give me the paid internship position but could offer it to me unpaid so I took it because whatever they're doing I think is awesome. I told her I'd do it anyway. She apologized for the late response, I told her it's cool. I'm just glad she called back because I was feeling rejected when she didn't.

Now for the matter of getting money for this summer, hopefully I'll get my stipend for "volunteering" at the voting polls soon and working on jury duty should sustain me for a bit longer. I will get money... somehow. No bank robbing or anything illicit though.

I just had an interesting dream, among other dreams. It was tied with the Sims 2 game that I've been playing and my wanting to adopt a child on the game, but what eventually happened was I decided to make a child from various things but I eventually died because I used my intestines to make the child wings, my lover ended up laying over the child as if to protect him. This whole scene talked about in a flashback.

In a simultaneous dream that I was having, I was thinking of what to write back on my Powerful Intentions. We were having a discussion about how one's thoughts and therefore subtle presentation of self might attract homophobia.

I just stumbled upon this article about a commercial that was withdrawn by the Heinz company due to complaints from viewers about it's gay theme. Apparently Heinz's original intent was at humor not thinking that it would spark any controversy with a whole 200 complaints. Here is the link to the petition, and here is the video.

Pretty interesting play of events...